If you have a vulva and have ever pondered why achieving orgasm during penetrative sex is so challenging, welcome to a large club that includes about 80% of all women.
YUP! 80% of women, if not more, struggle to reach orgasm through penetration alone. This issue is a big factor contributing to what is known as the orgasm gap. While the vast majority of individuals with a penis climax during sex, only a fraction of those with vulvas do. Part of the reason for this lies in how narrowly we define sex itself.
If you have a penis, you have numerous sensitive nerve endings along the shaft, concentrated in the head, and covering the testicles and perineum. Almost all of these areas are stimulated during penetrative sex – and stimulated quite effectively.
On the other hand, if you have a vulva, many of your pleasurable nerve endings are situated much deeper inside the body. This is because the clitoris is actually a large internal organ, with only a small portion (the clitoral glans) visible externally. Penetrative sex does not stimulate these internal nerve endings as effectively as it does the external ones of the penis.
This is why it's crucial to properly stimulate the clitoris if you desire an orgasm (or wish to help your partner achieve one) during penetrative sex. Clitoral stimulation can be achieved in various ways, ranging from physical techniques to psychological ones, but the key is to increase blood flow to the genitals. Here are six ways to do just that:
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Redefine foreplay: Foreplay, to many, means activities like making out or manual stimulation. However, I see foreplay as starting right after your last orgasm. Orgasm is the result of prolonged arousal, which can begin before any physical contact. Get creative with foreplay, which, to me, includes everything from sexting to going on a date. Understand your arousal style and incorporate it into your foreplay to plan dates that get the blood pumping to where you want it most.
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Focus on sexual communication: Becoming comfortable discussing sex is a process, and figuring out which sexual behaviors excite you can take time. My downloadable Yes/No/Maybe list is a great way to start this conversation if discussing this with your partner is new to you. Sexual communication encompasses everything from dirty talk to exploring kinks and sexting. Start small if this feels intimidating, and gradually incorporate these aspects into your sexual experiences.
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Enhance genital sensitivity: While the previous tips focused on psychological aspects, it's also important to know how to physically touch yourself. Using a powerful vibrator like the Opening Act before sex can jump-start arousal. Its deep, rumbly vibrations can be felt even through clothes, stimulating the external clitoral glans and internal nerve endings. This is one reason why sex toys are popular – they can reach nerve endings in a way fingers, strap-ons, or penises can't.
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Explore oral sex: Oral sex can be magical for stimulating the entire clitoris. When your partner applies direct pressure (licking, sucking, etc.) to the clitoral glans, the entire organ becomes engorged. Experiment with different techniques, such as the Kivin Method, to stimulate the clitoris in new ways.
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Experiment with sex positions: Some sex positions are better suited for optimal clitoral stimulation. For example, missionary with a pillow underneath can change the angle of penetration, enabling deeper penetration and potentially stimulating the G-spot. Cowgirl allows you to control the rhythm and angle, which can be beneficial for grinding the clitoris against your partner's pubic bone.
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Incorporate toys: It's time to normalize the use of toys in partnered sexual experiences. If a toy helps you achieve orgasm, that's fantastic! Toys aren't competing with your partner; they're working together. A simple bullet vibrator on the clitoris during sex can enhance orgasm, especially during positions where the clitoris is accessible.
Let me know if these tips helped!
xo, J